Part Two: Family, What It Is And What It Isn't

I think I've heard from everyone I possibly offended with my last post to feel that there needed to be some clarification.

Point A: "You called us, as your family, dysfunctional!" - Yes and No. I used the word "dysfunctional" to describe every family... not just my own. Depending on whom you believe, anywhere from 50 to 95 percent of all families have some degree of dysfunction. It really doesn’t matter whether it’s 62 or 71.5 percent. The point is there are more people from dysfunctional families than aren’t. A dysfunctional family is a one in which conflict, misbehavior and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur continually, leading other members to accommodate such actions. Every family has a degree of dysfunctional behavior. No one demonstrates "norms" all the time. Inconsistency and Unpredictability/Mixed Messages/Dogmatic or chaotic parenting (aka: harsh and inflexible parenting )/Perfectionist (parents who "fixate on order, prestige, power, and/or perfect appearances".) are the most kinds of acceptable dysfunction among "normal" families. Sure, I called us "dysfunctional". We aren't Ward and June Cleaver! Today's normal families recognize that dysfunction is not good, but not avoidable. The problem is when it becomes TOO dysfuctional, when safety becomes a concern.

Point B: "You said your husband is your best friend. But, then said that your mother in law is your biggest supporter. What gives?" - My own husband actually also asked this question, too. I meant that my mother in law became my biggest supporter in terms of support via depression. She never turned her back on assisting me and has always taken the time to make sure I was ok... even sacrificing having her space invaded by a needy daughter in law to be - seeing as I sat in her classroom every morning for almost 3 months to keep "safe" and lived in their house for more than that for the same reasons. She put up her crisis poster in her classroom so that students would know how to handle the choices she had been forced to make. Please don't get me wrong. My husband is, and probably always will be, my absolute best friend. I know there is nothing I cannot tell him. I can't say he will always understand or know how to handle it. Since we have been married, he has had to spend a lot of time doing schoolwork and he isn't always the most available person for those reasons. But, what I said was true. She, at this point of time, is the support.. mainly because he can't always be there or because he can't always understand.

Point C: "You said the Wenzel's are dysfunction? I've known them for years. They are not!" - Like I said earlier, all families are dysfunctional in nature. Other than saying something about how people are behind closed doors, perception is not always reality. I tell people that, as much as I adore my cousin Ashli, she being older by 3 months, I often felt "left behind" when stuff would happen for her first. It always seemed as if our grandparents loved them more. That she had the much more flexible parents. But, as an adult, she mentioned that she always liked coming to my house because we could play anywhere... and not worry about stuff getting hurt. And I supposidely had cooler toys. I think she had cooler toys... mainly because she had brothers... but that is neither here or there. What we perceive isn't reality. We also have secrets. Mine is that I am depressed... a lot of people don't know this because I really do "mask" well and rather people who didn't know DON'T ever know. You may think you know who someone is... but trust me... you don't know what goes on in their minds. You don't know what causes them pain.

Family. The concept of consanguinity originally referred to relations by "blood," man people have argued that one must understand the notion of "blood" metaphorically, and that many societies understand 'family' through other concepts rather than through genetic distance. Whether it be a conjugal, consanguineal, matrifocal, family is family. And, as Forest Gump once said, "That's all I have to say about that!"

Family.... What It Is. What It Isn't!

In the past few weeks, I have been very lucky to get to spend time with my parents, my husband, and my in-laws. In past posts, I have often bemoaned the idea that family is dramatically skewed. We are supposed to hate our in laws, be at war with ones parents, and not view our spouse as our best friends. People throw around the idea that we tolerate our family because, as the old adage says, "Blood is thicker than water". For me, I am not blood related to any of my family. Maybe that is one reason I am able to look at this differently.




Family is simply "a group of people united by certain convictions or a common affiliation" or, more commonly thought of as a "fellowship" of people. I have heard many people claim that family means blood related. I have heard just as many people say family is the group of people you turn to in crisis. But, although I agree that family is the best group of support anyone can have, it isn't defined by your ability to assist each other. More so in the kinship you feel for one another. Your sister in law becomes a member of your family because you have married into (or she has married into) an already existing family unit. And, hence, as a member of a family, common sense says you make this person feel as if they are welcome into your family.

Family, as well as being a great support group, can also be the one group of people most capable of hurting you deeply or providing you with the most strife concerning issues. Henceforth the term "dysfunctional family". If family were just the ability to turn to each other in times of crisis, we wouldn't have the in fighting/feuding/backstabbing that one also associates with having a family. How many people out there can remember that there were certain things not mentioned within a family because they caused conflict between their members? How many times has a child felt they didn't have the unconditional support of those in their family to help them through that crisis? I know that, when I was diagnosed with depression in college, my greatest fear was that my family would turn away from me, treating me like the "freak" I felt I was. I felt I would hear that, because I had desired to end my life, that my family's religious side would "damn me to hell" for my "unforgivable sin". It took many years for all the persons in my immediate family to accept depression wasn't the life I had chosen for myself and that it was as real an illness as any physical illness. And, no, they were not unconditionally supportive during this crisis... and no, I don't expect them to be. I expect my family to be who they are and to give what they can and do so when they can.

When I married, I gained a whole new "family". I remember the day I had to tell my future mother in law that I needed her support to get through a low point in my life. I had to tell her things that I had been hiding from her, such as my history with depression. I thought I would lose all the support that had been offered me. Instead, I was given a place to stay until I could become safe enough to be on my own. She has been my number one supporter since that day. She even surpassed her son on that one. When I have an issue that I need to solve, I turn to her because she will help me solve the problem. I have told people that I honestly love both my mother in law and father in law. The response? I get scoffed at. I tell people that my sister in law is like a sister to me. I get, "You're jealous of her!" or "You're a fool if you think she returns those feelings." They are part of my family. BY getting married, I married into the family. And, although we have our fights, our disagreements, our conflicts, and, like any other family, our dysfunctional moments, we are family. We are a group brought together in a fellowship of certain convictions and/or a common affiliation.

As much as it pains me to say, blood tie has nothing to do with making a family. I feel compassion and understanding for my biological father. I might even feel love for the man whom I have never met (and if he is who I believe him to be, never will). But, he is not family. I feel a bond with my biological mother. I know I feel love for her. But, she has, on occasion, made herself not part of my family. She is in a Venn Diagram circle of her own. She is not in the circles that make themselves family on a daily basis. I feel as if she makes herself part of my family when she wants to and extracts from it when she feels she wants to. She claims it is because I am ashamed of her, of who and "what" she is. I feel no shame towards her. I accept her for whom she is and what she can give. But, it does hurt me that she makes a conscious choice to not stay in the family circles. This proves loudly that a blood tie a family does not have to have.

Changes.. They Are A-Comin'

I really don't know what that topic is supposed to mean. I just thought it was a good topic for today's blog. Last week, my parents were here visiting from Ohio. Their presence involved the whole family going to see an Orioles game (Orioles versus the Toronto Blue Jays). We froze, but the Orioles pulled it off in the 8th Inning for a win. I also acquired a wonderful bike (would it please stop raining long enough for me to get in a ride today!) and spent time in Annapolis, Bowie, and lovely scenic Burtonsville. My parents also brought over a lovely shadow box containing my wedding bouquet (which sits next to our guest book on the wall and that is next to the tossed bridal bouquet that K.T caught).

I am looking at the calender and realizing that there are going to be some massive changes coming up. I'll probably be starting law school in September (on my last stages for acceptance). I need to take a few more course to keep my teaching certificate active, so I will be doing that this fall and spring. Stephen will be finishing up his requirements soon... so he will be within the job force soon enough. I will probably be joining him in some kind of job... although I have my doubts it will be teaching. I was actually thinking Home Depot sounds like a good job at this point.

Changes. I don't think they are easy for anyone. I know that I never thought that I'd be anything other than a teacher. It is really the only life I know how to do. I'd be worried if I were 100% confident about this lifestyle change. No one totally enjoy changes. There is always that feeling of self-doubt that lingers in the back of our brains that says, "Ummm. Nice idea there, Slick. But, I don't know if I believe this is a good idea." But, sometimes, like right now, I have to trust my instincts to be true ones that I can at least rely upon. I will have one year of law school to prove to myself this is what I should be doing. After that, I have to prove to others that I am going to do well. I think I am up to this challenge. After all, wanting to prove I'm not unworthy is a strong motivator.

Life As A Cricket?

Sometimes I wonder... if I were an outsider, what would I notice most about those things going on around me. So, I decided to stretch my imagination a little (Ok.. maybe a lot) and describe what one would see if they could be one of those really annoying basement crickets that look like spiders and seem to not move when I get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. *I imagine at least one person out there is going, "I know THOSE crickets!"*

Starting my life as a cricket at midnight, I realize that the Wenzel household is still abuzz with activity. Or at least a little. The dog and Bill are still enjoying the end of whatever it is they are watching on tv. It could be the end of a sports game, a movie, or something equally riveting. The snake is curled up in his cat head birdfeeder. The bird is absolutely silent. And the rest of the house is totally asleep. When Bill and the dog finally wander off into the bedroom, the house finally seems absolutely quiet. The perfect place for a spider cricket, or whatever the heck I am, to just sit back and enjoy being. Not much happens, other than the snake takes a couple trips around the aquarium, until around 6. Jane's alarm goes off. Around 5:45, she gets up to get ready for the day and appears in the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee in her travel cup. She plays with the cat, who magically appears, in multiple locations. Then, she uncovers the bird and leaves to go [to work]. The cat wanders back downstairs and, once again, the place is silent. Around 7, Stephen's clock starts blaring WTOP weather and traffic. It continues to do so for an hour. About the same time the clock stops, the dog and Bill get up to go on a walk. Stephen also gets up and retreats to his computer area to get a couple hours of uninterrupted work time. Then, at 10:15, things get exciting!! Bill returns with dog, Stephen leaves for school, and Kristin logs onto the Internet for the first time to check her mail. Unfortuntely, if I were really this cricket, this is the time I would get stepped on and I'd die. This ends the whole synopsis.

But, as I am not dead... the synopsis continues as such. Sometime after this, Bill leaves to go do whatever he does in the real world (aka: lunch) and Kristin does something to keep her occupied. She may clean, or write, or even play Pogo games for awhile. Then, in the early afternoon, Bill returns. He goes back to his room to watch a movie or turns on the living room tv to the music channel. Kristin continues to occupy herself doing something... anything... downstairs. Finally,nidafternoon, Jane comes home. After a lengthy discussion as Jane drinks tea on downstairs sofa, Kristin and Jane go upstairs! Dinner is made. Dinner is eaten. Jane goes and reads or begins watching educational tv. Kristin rechecks her email. Kristin joins Jane watching educational tv. Stephen gets home around 7:30. Kristin, Jane, and Stephen watch tv until 9:30... this is when the three head off to their rooms.

This does not seem like an entertaining life. I think I rather be squished.