In the past few weeks, I have been very lucky to get to spend time with my parents, my husband, and my in-laws. In past posts, I have often bemoaned the idea that family is dramatically skewed. We are supposed to hate our in laws, be at war with ones parents, and not view our spouse as our best friends. People throw around the idea that we tolerate our family because, as the old adage says, "Blood is thicker than water". For me, I am not blood related to any of my family. Maybe that is one reason I am able to look at this differently.
Family is simply "a group of people united by certain convictions or a common affiliation" or, more commonly thought of as a "fellowship" of people. I have heard many people claim that family means blood related. I have heard just as many people say family is the group of people you turn to in crisis. But, although I agree that family is the best group of support anyone can have, it isn't defined by your ability to assist each other. More so in the kinship you feel for one another. Your sister in law becomes a member of your family because you have married into (or she has married into) an already existing family unit. And, hence, as a member of a family, common sense says you make this person feel as if they are welcome into your family.
Family, as well as being a great support group, can also be the one group of people most capable of hurting you deeply or providing you with the most strife concerning issues. Henceforth the term "dysfunctional family". If family were just the ability to turn to each other in times of crisis, we wouldn't have the in fighting/feuding/backstabbing that one also associates with having a family. How many people out there can remember that there were certain things not mentioned within a family because they caused conflict between their members? How many times has a child felt they didn't have the unconditional support of those in their family to help them through that crisis? I know that, when I was diagnosed with depression in college, my greatest fear was that my family would turn away from me, treating me like the "freak" I felt I was. I felt I would hear that, because I had desired to end my life, that my family's religious side would "damn me to hell" for my "unforgivable sin". It took many years for all the persons in my immediate family to accept depression wasn't the life I had chosen for myself and that it was as real an illness as any physical illness. And, no, they were not unconditionally supportive during this crisis... and no, I don't expect them to be. I expect my family to be who they are and to give what they can and do so when they can.
When I married, I gained a whole new "family". I remember the day I had to tell my future mother in law that I needed her support to get through a low point in my life. I had to tell her things that I had been hiding from her, such as my history with depression. I thought I would lose all the support that had been offered me. Instead, I was given a place to stay until I could become safe enough to be on my own. She has been my number one supporter since that day. She even surpassed her son on that one. When I have an issue that I need to solve, I turn to her because she will help me solve the problem. I have told people that I honestly love both my mother in law and father in law. The response? I get scoffed at. I tell people that my sister in law is like a sister to me. I get, "You're jealous of her!" or "You're a fool if you think she returns those feelings." They are part of my family. BY getting married, I married into the family. And, although we have our fights, our disagreements, our conflicts, and, like any other family, our dysfunctional moments, we are family. We are a group brought together in a fellowship of certain convictions and/or a common affiliation.
As much as it pains me to say, blood tie has nothing to do with making a family. I feel compassion and understanding for my biological father. I might even feel love for the man whom I have never met (and if he is who I believe him to be, never will). But, he is not family. I feel a bond with my biological mother. I know I feel love for her. But, she has, on occasion, made herself not part of my family. She is in a Venn Diagram circle of her own. She is not in the circles that make themselves family on a daily basis. I feel as if she makes herself part of my family when she wants to and extracts from it when she feels she wants to. She claims it is because I am ashamed of her, of who and "what" she is. I feel no shame towards her. I accept her for whom she is and what she can give. But, it does hurt me that she makes a conscious choice to not stay in the family circles. This proves loudly that a blood tie a family does not have to have.
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