But, What Does It Mean???

I woke up this morning in a complete sweat and panic. I had "THE DREAM" again.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with "THE DREAM", it involves a young version of myself walking on the sidewalk (for those of you who asked, it is the right side of the street... why this matters I have no idea) on Imperial Avenue in Painted Post, New York. I am walking with a person in a light tan dress coat and am holding their hand tightly. The person in the trench coat never says anything in this dream and I always feel safe with them. But, no matter how many times I have this dream, I don't seem to pick up on the person's identity until the very end. Ok... onto the dream.

We are walking down the street and I usually talk about absolutely nonsensical things. For example, last night I was chatting about whether a Wendy's Hamburger really tastes better because it is fresh. Other places serve fresh meat and you don't hear them claiming they are better. Anyway... yes, it was a really idiotic conversation. At the end of my dream, I always ask the "trench coat person", who seems to be getting ready to leave me at the end of the sidewalk (to walk off into the sunset?), if I'm going to be ok. The person always kneels down and looks me in the eye. It is an adult version of myself. As I change in life, the trench coat person does too. When I got engaged to Stephen, my ring magically appeared in the dream. When I was in my car accident and the scar stood out on my face, the scar appeared on the dream person. I have no doubt it represents the adult me. Is the adult me there to assure the child me? What purpose do these dreams serve? More later... either Bill is home or the dishwasher is about to be delivered.

Today

Sometimes, I wish I could just wave a magic wand and everything would be good or normal or the way everyone wants it to be. However, since there is no such thing as real magic, no magical wand exists to wave to make everything ok again.

Yesterday, Stephen and I went up to see the Catonsville crew. I always enjoy my SIL and her family and it was a good "get your mind off things" visit. I would never regret my time with them. I just wish Stephen could take a hint better than he does. I was absolutely exhausted when we left to go to Catonsville. I was dead on my feet when we got home. Doesn't mean I slept, though. I only got about 3 more hours of sleep. Why does this keep happening?

If I am lucky, I have gotten 4 hours a sleep a night. This is even with taking something for sleep. All that is accomplished by taking the meds is that I'm groggy when I only have 4 hours. I really need a change to occur soon.

Today, I had a "job" at a Giant in the area. I realized that I was so tired that I almost broke into tears while walking through the pet food ailse. There is nothing like having a breakdown among the Science Diet and Iams cat food. At least I was somewhere where the absorbant kitty litter could have sopped up the flowing tears, if needed. Something needs to change soon. I don't think I can continue this no sleep/emotional thing. Heck, I'd even go back to taking the shots! I know some of this is from instant lack of hormone therapy from the IVF. I have chosen to hold off on trying again until I can get a handle on the crying/anger/sleep. Make sense? Maybe not.

Update: Stardate January 14, 2009

I promised my mom that I would update within the next couple days. So, I decided to sit down and blog.

Today has been an incredibly non-eventful day. I had a 7 am appointment with Dr. S. The appointment went fairly well, but she still wanted to continue with weekly appointments for several more weeks. I cannot say I mind. Or at least not too much. But, I also need some sleep. Hopefully sleep will not be as hard to catch as it has been.

Sounds like we will be having one of my favorites for dinner tonight... J's meatloaf! I love it when she makes meatloaf. It was the first meal I could keep down after my messed up lumbar puncture. So, I look forward to it.

I really don't have anything else to blog about right now. J. and the cat are cuddling in J's chair and watching Dr. Phil. I wish I could get a photo. But, unfortunately, J. does not want this recorded.

Tired blogger out!

In a lonely house... on a lonely street.... in a lonely neighborhood... in a lonely town... Oh! You get the point!

As I sit here in the living room, I am not alone. This is for certain. I share this room with a mother-in-law and a father-in-law. Both are as silent as silent can be. No one has said a word in well over an hour. It is like playing the silent game... only everyone seems to be losing out.

Eloise went home today and I have to admit, I am bummed out. She really seemed to brighten the whole house with her presence. I will also admit I am worried about her. Her memory just isn't what it should be... or at least this is what she claims. She is talking about moving herself into a more restrictive setting in the near future to make sure that her needs are being met. There isn't anyone in the world who deserves more happiness than Eloise does. She is a stellar Grandmother-In-Law and she deserves no pain in life. If moving to this new location would bring her happiness and the feeling of security, then I think she should do it. I just worry that she think this is what she should do... and not what she wants to do. No one should do something just to make others happy. Making others happy is good... but it isn't everything. You cannot please all the people all of the time. She needs to concentrate on her! Anyways... I hope her flight went well and that she will be happy to get home. She deserves to be happy.

We saw the Catonsville crew last evening. I was glad to see them. They always brighten my day. Ten and KT, along with Rob, shared pizza from Cici's with us. I feel bad that we all flocked to Ten's house and invaded her living room. But, I hope she was as happy to see us as we were to spend time with her. Hopefully we'll meet up again tomorrow.

Dr. S. and I had a long talk this morning. She decided that I just needed to talk about what was in my head. She laughed when she heard that, despite the fact I can go back to drinking all the hot chocolate I want, I still prefer my TenTin Cocoa. I don't expect to change back. My sister-in-law, the special person she is, sibling of my heart, made me carob hot cocoa with a hint of vanilla flavoring. I say there is none better. I will not go back to regular cocoa easily!

The cat has decided that I make a pretty good cat bed. This, however, means that it is hard to type and I must rely on touch typing skills. She does not seem to understand that her Mommy is not much of a touch typer and that this is not the best place to take a nap. Oh, well. I think this is just her way of telling me to "Move away from the black box". I'll take that as a hint and sign off for the day. I hope everyone is having a much more exciting day than I currently am. Cat pillow out!!!

New Year's Resolution: Part 2

Yesterday, I shared my first 5 resolutions. Today, I plan on sharing my last 5.

Resolution #6: Spend more time with my family. Yes, I know this seems like a no-brainer. But, I really enjoy my whole family. I don't get to see the local family nearly enough... so I want to promise myself I will make more effort to make time to spend with the local groups. Especially my husband's grandmother. I feel bad that we don't get to see her nearly enough when she is less than 10 miles away. AND... I want to get back to see my Ohio family at least a couple times this year. Hopefully, it will because we are getting together for a good reason... not because we have to... but because we want to.

Resolution #7: Lose weight! I want to continue losing weight. Right now, it is very hard when S.G. keeps pushing proteins and carbs. But, one way or another, I will get back in control.

Resolution #8: Reduce debt. No comment there... rather self explainatory.

Resolution #9: Practice the guitar at least twice a week. How can I ever hope to get better, if I don't practice!

Resolution #10: Enjoy life!

New Year's Resolutions

I have been giving it serious thought. I really need to reflect on the past year and make some changes. So, for the coming year, I have made some really good resolutions.


Resolution #1: Improve Time Management - With starting law school, it seems like managing my time has not been easy. I'm either behind or way ahead. If I'm behind, I feel rushed. If I'm ahead, I'm letting other things go. Therefore, my goal is to better manage my time. I mean, there are going to be changes this year (for example, Stephen is soon to be out of school... that alone brings change!). So, I am going to try to manage my time better and STICK with the schedules I make for myself.

Resolution 2: Study harder! I'm not saying I don't already study hard, but I am nowhere need the ideal amount of time needed to memorize law terms. So, I plan on spending more time reading the text, listening to my class on MP3 files, making flashcards for terms, and outlining EVERYTHING. Hopefully, it will be enough to accomplish Resolution #3.




Resolution #3: Pass the Baby Bar. This is pretty self-explanatory. Or, is it? In order to pass the Baby Bar, I have to get an 80 on the essay part and at least a 65 on the multiple guess section. Only 27% of test takers achieve this. To do this, I need to ace Criminal Law (starts at the end of January) and Torts (starts at the end of May). That and I need to become less verbose in my writing. I have to learn to write in a fragmented manner that takes a descriptive paragraph down to the bare bones. I hope I can do this.

Resolution #4: Lose the headaches! There has to be a way! And, if there is... then I will find it.

Resolution #5: Employment! Have to do better than Mystery Shopper.

Tomorrow... Resolutions 6-10!!!

R.I.P: My Goodbye to Ben-Ben Puppy

No... this isn't really a picture of Benny. But, it was the closest photo I could find. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to Benny before J. took him to have him put to sleep on Saturday. I keep trying to figure out how the get past my current stage of grief/guilt. So, I decided, if I couldn't tell him goodbye, I could at least blog it.

Benny bit J's mother on the arm and was demonstrating aggressive behaviors that made us feel, as family, that he was no longer safe to keep. Therefore, instead of trying to find a new home, it was decided it was best to put him out of his misery. He always was so confused after he demonstrated aggression and it was happening more and more often. I mean, he punctured holes in my sweatshirt from jumping at me earlier in the week. But, as much as I was scared of him, and how much I enjoyed him when he was behaving, I somewhat feel guilty about his being put to sleep. Stephen and I were worried, with the idea that we want to have children, having an aggressive dog who bites was a worry. I worry... did I over-react? Major guilt!!

So, wherever you are Benny... I hope it is a happier place. One where you can growl and bite whoever you want and nothing bad ever happens to you. One where there are unlimited tennis balls and as many dog treats as you can eat. We'll miss you, puppy. Gone... but not forgotten.