Dumb Bird HAS 4 Eggs

My father in law went to go see if Stupid Bird has eggs. She has 4 blue eggs, according to him. I think he should have stayed away... but at least now we know.

Uhhhoh... Stupid Bird IS Nesting?

Oh, No! Our resident stepladder bird appears to nest sitting. Upon going out to get my bike on Friday, she was highly aggressive. This morning, she appears to be stepladder sitting and doesn't want to move for any reason. So, every time we want something out there, we have to shoo her away from the nest BRIEFLY to get our things. This morning, I thought I'd move my bike... however, I don't want to cause trauma to our nesting mother. I will wait until a nice peaceful time when she appear a little more friendly to move it out of her way. I mean, it will be raining tomorrow, so I don't expect to ride. So, I'll sneak it out tomorrow.

By the way, Happy Mother's Day to all my blog parents. I gave Jane a Mother's Day card, as I said I would try to do on Substitute Parent's Day. I think I may have not done a good job. She appeared to be "happy" with the card. But, she didn't get emotional in the least. Oh, well. I guess it wasn't as touching a sentiment as I thought!

Listening... Not A Spectator Sport?

The definition of listening, as defined by the Farlex free dictionary (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/listening) is as follows:

1. To make an effort to hear something.
2. To pay attention; heed.

Not listening is the number one spousal complaint among married couples... and in Singapore, it is claimed to be the number one reason why Singaporeans get divorced (alife.com). Marriage therapists recommend the following tips to communicating properly:

• Don't Interrupt. Let your spouse finish what he/she is saying.
• Keep an open mind. Don't jump to conclusions as it prevents you from truly listening.
• Make listening a priority. Let go of your own agenda. Make eye contact by not staring at the TV or flipping the newspapers.
• Use feedback technique. Let your partner know that you heard what he/she said by validating and saying something like, "I hear you saying..."
• Watch for non-verbal cue from both sides, like shrugging shoulders, tone of voice, crossing arms or legs, nodding, eye contact or looking away, facial expressions (smile, frown, shock, disgust, tears, surprise, rolling eyes, etc.), and mannerisms (fiddling with papers, tapping your fingers). 55% of the message is delivered through non-verbal signs.
• Blocks to listening. Avoid blocks like mind reading, rehearsing, judging, advising, sparring and changing the subject.
• Stay focused on the main points that your spouse is talking about. It's ok to ask questions to clarify what you thought you heard.
• Gender differences. Men often share because they want to give information or solve a problem. Women tend to talk to connect with someone or to get information.
• Show respect. Respect your spouse's point of view, even if you disagree with what is being said.
• Advice & Talking. Don't give advice unless asked for it. You can't listen and talk at the same time. Feelings are neither right or wrong.

It blows my mind the number of times I'm out in public, or even here in the Wenzel household, and someone says something important and you JUST know that the person or persons listening are missing vital information. I also hate it when, because these same people missed the vital information, they suddenly jump to "You didn't tell me" such and such. Drives me nutsy. I know I am not the perfect communicator. I tried to do way too much on my own and don't always like sharing. But, doggone it! If someone tells you to buy stamps today and get the "forever stamps", don't go and get a packet of stamps that won't be any good after next week when prices go up. The postal officials, as I noticed this morning at the post office, don't care what good excuse you have. If you were not listening to the person who told you to get the forever stamps and got the Mickey Mouse ones (cos we all know Mickey is adorable... who wouldn't want to open a letter with a Mickey stamp on it), don't expect the post office to make it right for you. The poor guy this was happening to was literally crying.... his wife made him immediately come back and try to exchange the stamps. No such luck, crying guy. You are stuck with the stamps AND you have to try to come up with a use for all those stamps OR buy penny stamps to make your "grave error" correct. I bet his wife is going to be oh so pleased when HE gets home!

What will solve this conundrum of the not listening revolution? Ideas, anyone?

Part Two: Idiot Bird's Guide To Nest Building

I think we are going to have to name our bird. It has no desire to move elsewhere.

Yes, I am referring to Stepladder Bird. I was hoping, with all the noise we made yesterday, idiot bird would move elsewhere BEFORE starting a family. I have little doubt that Stepladder Bird, which must be the same as "STUPID BIRD", is here to stay. Anytime we go out, she seems to throw a temper tantrum, squawk madly and hiss, then fly away until we go inside. Then Stepladder Bird returns and is all happy and joyous about her perch. You can tell from the pictures that it is not the most stable of perches. Nor is it the most safe. I have no doubt that the neighborhood feral cats are already circling waiting for the day that Stepladder Bird is on their menu. My only hope is the fool bird is enough annoyed by our presence (we are out there dozens of times per day) that (a) she moves on, (b) if she stays, she won't start a family, (c) decides to move the nest to a nearby location... one of which is not as bothersome as those idiot starlings we finally has convinced NOT to live in our ceiling in the basement (Go Insulation FOAM!). Will keep you updated!

The Idiot Bird's Guide To Building A Nest

My mother in law came in from our carport this afternoon and asked me we'd accidentally put a bird's nest on the stepladder. We most definitely had not. A few minutes later, we looked out and there was a robin in the stepladder nest. Some idiot bird (a cousin of my cousin Ashli's bird (B.B) perhaps?) had built its nest on our stepladder. When my husband and I went out to grill, we decided to take some pictures. Silly bird. Stepladders are NOT good bird nest resting spots!

Enjoy the pictures!

Part Two: Family, What It Is And What It Isn't

I think I've heard from everyone I possibly offended with my last post to feel that there needed to be some clarification.

Point A: "You called us, as your family, dysfunctional!" - Yes and No. I used the word "dysfunctional" to describe every family... not just my own. Depending on whom you believe, anywhere from 50 to 95 percent of all families have some degree of dysfunction. It really doesn’t matter whether it’s 62 or 71.5 percent. The point is there are more people from dysfunctional families than aren’t. A dysfunctional family is a one in which conflict, misbehavior and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur continually, leading other members to accommodate such actions. Every family has a degree of dysfunctional behavior. No one demonstrates "norms" all the time. Inconsistency and Unpredictability/Mixed Messages/Dogmatic or chaotic parenting (aka: harsh and inflexible parenting )/Perfectionist (parents who "fixate on order, prestige, power, and/or perfect appearances".) are the most kinds of acceptable dysfunction among "normal" families. Sure, I called us "dysfunctional". We aren't Ward and June Cleaver! Today's normal families recognize that dysfunction is not good, but not avoidable. The problem is when it becomes TOO dysfuctional, when safety becomes a concern.

Point B: "You said your husband is your best friend. But, then said that your mother in law is your biggest supporter. What gives?" - My own husband actually also asked this question, too. I meant that my mother in law became my biggest supporter in terms of support via depression. She never turned her back on assisting me and has always taken the time to make sure I was ok... even sacrificing having her space invaded by a needy daughter in law to be - seeing as I sat in her classroom every morning for almost 3 months to keep "safe" and lived in their house for more than that for the same reasons. She put up her crisis poster in her classroom so that students would know how to handle the choices she had been forced to make. Please don't get me wrong. My husband is, and probably always will be, my absolute best friend. I know there is nothing I cannot tell him. I can't say he will always understand or know how to handle it. Since we have been married, he has had to spend a lot of time doing schoolwork and he isn't always the most available person for those reasons. But, what I said was true. She, at this point of time, is the support.. mainly because he can't always be there or because he can't always understand.

Point C: "You said the Wenzel's are dysfunction? I've known them for years. They are not!" - Like I said earlier, all families are dysfunctional in nature. Other than saying something about how people are behind closed doors, perception is not always reality. I tell people that, as much as I adore my cousin Ashli, she being older by 3 months, I often felt "left behind" when stuff would happen for her first. It always seemed as if our grandparents loved them more. That she had the much more flexible parents. But, as an adult, she mentioned that she always liked coming to my house because we could play anywhere... and not worry about stuff getting hurt. And I supposidely had cooler toys. I think she had cooler toys... mainly because she had brothers... but that is neither here or there. What we perceive isn't reality. We also have secrets. Mine is that I am depressed... a lot of people don't know this because I really do "mask" well and rather people who didn't know DON'T ever know. You may think you know who someone is... but trust me... you don't know what goes on in their minds. You don't know what causes them pain.

Family. The concept of consanguinity originally referred to relations by "blood," man people have argued that one must understand the notion of "blood" metaphorically, and that many societies understand 'family' through other concepts rather than through genetic distance. Whether it be a conjugal, consanguineal, matrifocal, family is family. And, as Forest Gump once said, "That's all I have to say about that!"

Family.... What It Is. What It Isn't!

In the past few weeks, I have been very lucky to get to spend time with my parents, my husband, and my in-laws. In past posts, I have often bemoaned the idea that family is dramatically skewed. We are supposed to hate our in laws, be at war with ones parents, and not view our spouse as our best friends. People throw around the idea that we tolerate our family because, as the old adage says, "Blood is thicker than water". For me, I am not blood related to any of my family. Maybe that is one reason I am able to look at this differently.




Family is simply "a group of people united by certain convictions or a common affiliation" or, more commonly thought of as a "fellowship" of people. I have heard many people claim that family means blood related. I have heard just as many people say family is the group of people you turn to in crisis. But, although I agree that family is the best group of support anyone can have, it isn't defined by your ability to assist each other. More so in the kinship you feel for one another. Your sister in law becomes a member of your family because you have married into (or she has married into) an already existing family unit. And, hence, as a member of a family, common sense says you make this person feel as if they are welcome into your family.

Family, as well as being a great support group, can also be the one group of people most capable of hurting you deeply or providing you with the most strife concerning issues. Henceforth the term "dysfunctional family". If family were just the ability to turn to each other in times of crisis, we wouldn't have the in fighting/feuding/backstabbing that one also associates with having a family. How many people out there can remember that there were certain things not mentioned within a family because they caused conflict between their members? How many times has a child felt they didn't have the unconditional support of those in their family to help them through that crisis? I know that, when I was diagnosed with depression in college, my greatest fear was that my family would turn away from me, treating me like the "freak" I felt I was. I felt I would hear that, because I had desired to end my life, that my family's religious side would "damn me to hell" for my "unforgivable sin". It took many years for all the persons in my immediate family to accept depression wasn't the life I had chosen for myself and that it was as real an illness as any physical illness. And, no, they were not unconditionally supportive during this crisis... and no, I don't expect them to be. I expect my family to be who they are and to give what they can and do so when they can.

When I married, I gained a whole new "family". I remember the day I had to tell my future mother in law that I needed her support to get through a low point in my life. I had to tell her things that I had been hiding from her, such as my history with depression. I thought I would lose all the support that had been offered me. Instead, I was given a place to stay until I could become safe enough to be on my own. She has been my number one supporter since that day. She even surpassed her son on that one. When I have an issue that I need to solve, I turn to her because she will help me solve the problem. I have told people that I honestly love both my mother in law and father in law. The response? I get scoffed at. I tell people that my sister in law is like a sister to me. I get, "You're jealous of her!" or "You're a fool if you think she returns those feelings." They are part of my family. BY getting married, I married into the family. And, although we have our fights, our disagreements, our conflicts, and, like any other family, our dysfunctional moments, we are family. We are a group brought together in a fellowship of certain convictions and/or a common affiliation.

As much as it pains me to say, blood tie has nothing to do with making a family. I feel compassion and understanding for my biological father. I might even feel love for the man whom I have never met (and if he is who I believe him to be, never will). But, he is not family. I feel a bond with my biological mother. I know I feel love for her. But, she has, on occasion, made herself not part of my family. She is in a Venn Diagram circle of her own. She is not in the circles that make themselves family on a daily basis. I feel as if she makes herself part of my family when she wants to and extracts from it when she feels she wants to. She claims it is because I am ashamed of her, of who and "what" she is. I feel no shame towards her. I accept her for whom she is and what she can give. But, it does hurt me that she makes a conscious choice to not stay in the family circles. This proves loudly that a blood tie a family does not have to have.